Anna Span Got Me in Trouble

I am lucky to know one or two generous people who occasionally allow me to benefit from their large collections of pornographic DVDs. A couple of months ago I was visiting one of those friends, idly browsing the badly concealed smut collection underneath her minuscule TV set while chatting. At some point in the conversation, I confessed that I had not seen any of Anna Span's movies. This was greeted with a moment of shocked silence. Then her boyfriend took the situation in hand, rushed to the shelves and handed me their treasured copy of A&O Department, invitingly decorated with a spread and smiling actress photographed in flagrante delicto on a hospital bed.

To round off my homework they added a couple of S&M flavoured Tanya Hyde flicks with a lot of fetishwear on the cover, and finally something polite and tasteful for couples. A drink or two later they sent me on my merry way with a bagful of porn.

Fast forward two months. Hoping for an opportunity to see the owners of the DVDs one afternoon, since I was heading to their neck of the woods for work, I fired off an email to ask if they'd be around and packed the obscene loot in my laptop case. Unfortunately, it turned out the pervs were going out of town, so I wound up carrying a load of porn in my bag for no reason.

As you do, with half an hour to spare between appointments, I wandered into a bookshop, browsed the shelves, bought a book, headed out the exit...

Beep, beep.

Annoyed, but not particularly worried, I handed the newly purchased book back to the nice lady at the checkout, who ran it over the demagnetizing plate again...

Beep, beep.

The security had now taken an interest in me. I looked sheepish, handed him the purchase and stuck my laptop case between the security sensors.

Beep, beep.

"Could we take a look in your bag, please," asked the nice lady.

I opened it for her, pulled out the laptop. She poked around inside, noticed the book-like shapes of the DVDs inside and pulled one out at random.

It was Anna Span's A&O Department. Now, this is seriously good filth (see Anna Span's Diary for more graphic details) - it's easygoing, good-humoured, and the sex is hot. Seriously, if Anna ever needs a guest-writer I'll happily volunteer... but I digress.

The nice lady dropped the DVD like it was made of hot lead, and it landed on the desk with a loud noise that drew the attention of everyone around, as it bounced to the floor at her feet. She looked down like she wasn't entirely sure what to do next.

"Um, could you hand me that?" I asked, helpfully, holding the bag open for her.

She very bravely picked the DVD up, holding it like a dead rat between two fingers, and dropped it in the bag with the other disreputable items of entertainment. I put my stuff back in and closed the flap.

"Just... just go through. Don't worry about the alarm."

And so it went.

Beep, beep.

When I strolled out, I felt a slight tinge of embarrassment - the noise began immediately when I stepped through the exit, and people watched me as I strolled out under the nose of the security guard. That's when feeling hit me - I was OK with having the porn discovered (particularly since I was carrying good porn - if it had been crap porn I'd have been mortified), but being looked at like I had just stolen some books - that burned.