Six. Six? Yes, six.

I've been tagged by the lovely Tara Tartly, who's challenged me to the dreaded 6-word memoir. 

It pains me that this was once a pure and noble literary form. Of late it has been dragged into the mud of grammatical philistinism by those who, intoxicated by their hyphenating abilities, think they are free to stretch and bend the rules any way it suits them.

I am not one such blogger, dear readers. I stand up for the purists among us, the valiant few who do not stoop to the depths of creative word-accounting through hyphenation. Herewith, my account of my life, every blessed minute of it, in 6 fully-formed, non-hyphenated, pure-of-grammar-and-punctuation words:

I failed, tried again, failed better.

Was it Good for You?

(In belated response to Luka's challenge...)

Matilde was bent over the back of her sofa with my cock in her pussy. It was late in the game, she had come in a big way, and now she wanted me to do the same.

"Come, come for me... fuck me hard," she shouted into the cushions.

Normally a polite, reserved person, Matilde could be surprisingly bold when she became horny. When we first met, in a crowded outpost of the coffee empire that rhymes with "fucks", I said something flirtatious about the pleasure of watching her walking from the table to the counter. She turned red in the face and replied with something disparaging about the size of her own ass, then made it clear she wasn't keen on conversation like this in public. The minute she thought no one could hear her, however, it was a different story...

Now, at this moment, I wanted to come.

Matilde liked me to take her forcefully from behind, sometimes, and this new position we'd discovered on the way to her bedroom from the kitchen seemed to suit her just fine.

"You wanna come in my pussy, huh?" Matilde pushed back against me. "Fuck me harder then..."

She didn't have to ask twice. I put both hands on her soft, round hips, pulled her closer, and for stability I stood with legs sligtly further apart...

...and kicked the square, wooden stumpy leg of the sofa with my unsuspecting middle toe.

Agony.

I pulled away from Matilde, screaming and jumping around on one leg grabbing at my toe, my cock still sticking out, sheathed in a bright orange condom.

"What...?" Matilde raised herself up, alarmed.

"Fuckfuckfuck...." I whimpered, still bouncing on one leg.

She managed to sit me down on the sofa, then brought a handful of ice cubes wrapped in a towel to control the swelling.

My toe didn't look good, turning from an angry red to a swollen purple. I felt the bones, agonizingly, and established that none of them was broken. Probably.

I sat there for a while, feeling the pain dissipate slowly. Lovely Matilde fetched her duvet and we snuggled up on the sofa. Then she fell asleep and began to snore, content and post-orgasmic against my shoulder. She was a bit startled when I got up to get rid of the melting ice cubes and mop up the puddle that had formed on the floor. I also took the opportunity to remove the orange condom from my soft cock before I limped towards her tiny kitchen.

"So... I really needed that," she said from her nest on the sofa, voice thick with sleep. "Was it good for you?"

Pinch

She pulled on my tie, her fingernails digging into the fabric, her teeth pushing against my lips. She bit me, insisting, and I opened my mouth to let her tongue inside. The door of her flat was open - I kicked it shut with my heel. At our feet the pile of clothing grew quickly - coats, scarves, my shoes, jackets... her blouse landed on a chair on the way to the bedroom. My tie landed on the floor. I sat down on the bed, removing the rest of them while I watched her strip. She bent over, pulling her jeans down, showing me the thin strip of black material between her buttocks. 

Then she put her heels back on, crawling onto the bed, with her bottom raised high. 

I stroked her from behind, pushing the thong to the side, and ran my thumb teasingly up and down along her slippery labia. She spread, pushed back, and I slid the thumb inside, slowly feeling my way, the fingers curling around to cup her pussy. Her clit was pressed between my index and middle fingers. This position felt strangely like I had her in a gentle pinch.

"Fuck... I want your cock in my mouth..." she whispered.

"Oh? So you want me to remove my fingers from your pussy."

"No. No. Stay." She was close to coming, already. "Just fuck me with your fingers like that..."

"But you want to suck me too?"

"Desperately."

"Are you thinking about it?"

"Yes."

"About how my cock is going to feel in your mouth."

"Yes."

"How you're going to take me in as deep as you can. How I'm going to fuck your mouth..."

"Yes, yeah..." She ground down on my fingers and thumb, eyes closed, mouth open, riding the hot wave of orgasm.

Suddenly, she pulled away and turned around, swooping down on my cock, greedily taking me in her mouth. I almost came from the surprise of her hot, eager mouth enfolding me, her tongue swirling madly around the swollen head.

I held back as long as I could, coming reluctantly in a slow-moving irresistible explosion of sensation. Like her, I was quiet, and what I remember best is the wet sound of our bodies.

Beginners guide to asskissing

Management-speak has given a bad name to asskissing. Unimaginatively
associated with excessively ingratiating supplication, the flattery of
superiors and an unhealthy willingness to relinquish personal dignity
in order to move a further few inches up the corporate ladder, we
hedonists should reclaim it from the clutches of the careerists.

I'm not ashamed - I love asskissing.

Particularly when the victim is tied down helplessly with buttocks
raised. The trick is to go slow, to appreciate the abundance and feel,
the sensation of the full globes of the posterior cupped in one's
palms. Stroke in lazy circles, relaxing, and perhaps deliver a few
slaps - not an outright spanking, just enough to warm the kissee up
and make him/her aware that they may be in the clutches of an
unpredictable pervert.

Tease. Kiss the bountiful swell off the cheeks first, perhaps have a
little nibble, gently sinking your teeth into the soft, warm skin.
Slap, pinch, pull - make it clear that this is your territory now.
Yours to do with as you please. Then spread them apart, pulling firmly
to either side, palms planted firmly on each buttock. Expose the cleft
of the ass to air, light and the promise of your tongue, warm, wet and
probing, descending down on the sensitive little cluster of nerves...

And wait.

Until the victim squirms. Then pounce down, planting a delicate kiss
on the tender pinkness of the anus. It's dirty, filthy, unnatural and
forbidden, but that's precisely why it feels so good. When you finally
let your tongue stroke lazy circles around the rim, your victim should
let out a deep groan of shameless enjoyment. Kiss, poke, wiggle your
tongue into the tight little crevice and enjoy the accumulating force
of sensation that will make the grateful recipient strain and push up
against your face, giggling, shaking, squealing, moaning...

He or she will probably not come from this. No, orgasm is not the
point. This is more like tickling.

And afterwards, you can enjoy how wonderfully open and malleable your
asskissee will be.

Seen

The elevator doors slid closed behind us. She pressed the button for a
floor high up. Immediately, I pushed her up against the mirrored wall,
her buttocks nestling against the hard bulge at the front of my
trousers, her breath fogging the cool surface in front of her. She
closed her eyes and rubbed herself against me with a soft urgency.

My hand slid down her back, coming to rest on the slick fabric
covering her thigh, I could feel the little nub underneath, where a
suspender hooked into the stocking tops.

She turned around, gave me a wet kiss and then pointed at the
inconspicuous dome of the security camera in the corner.

"Five minutes from now, I will be sitting on your face," she whispered
into my ear, and I know she was looking directly into the camera when
she said it.